Rehobbilitation
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: Sam didn't think it was possible; Merry and Pippin were sure he was a goblin in disguise. But Frodo had to at least try. And maybe, just maybe, there was still a little bit of hobbit left deep down inside that poor old wretch.
1. Elfwine

**Rehobbilitation**

A _Lord of the Rings_ fanfic

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Bilbo Baggins, feeling very old, and _very_ tired, stared bemusedly at the sight before him. Four young hobbits stood before him, all clad in very noble and unhobbitlike fashion: Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took, Samwise Gamgee, and his dear old nephew Frodo.

Now, this much was not unexpected, since the four had gone out on an adventure with Gandalf and the Dúnadan, let alone Glóin's son and the Elf-prince Legolas, plus that man from the south. He himself had looked quite strange on the return from his own adventure, and he had not gone out with _nearly_ so diversea group!

So, no, it was not the appearances of Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Frodo that had old Bilbo at a loss. Although they DID look quite remarkable, all clad in maille and elven cloaks, girt with swords and bearing proud heraldic devices. They were dressed as finely as any lord of men, and they cut quite dashing figures, if he did say so himself.

But it was not their appearances that gave him pause. No, rather...

...it was their _company._

Bilbo Baggins stared bemusedly at the emaciated, spindly-limbed, bulbous-eyed fellow the four dragged behind them. He looked almost hobbitish, in some way that Bilbo could not quite place, and also seemed to be _incredibly_ uncomfortable in the loose elven tunic he was wearing.

"Sss... sneaky elveses..." the fellow muttered under his breath. "They tricks us into wearing their nassty clotheses... We cannot stands them, no we can't..."

Bilbo could not help but furrow his brow and wonder why that voice sounded vaguely familiar.

"Who's your friend?" he asked his nephew and the others, gesturing to the ancient and miserable looking waif.

"Sméagol," said Frodo simply.

Bilbo frowned.

"Sméagol..." he muttered, frowning to himself. He tapped his chin with the end of his pen. "Sméagol? Hrm. Odd... I seem to remember that name from somewhere, but I cannot place it for the life of me. Was he here before?"

Merry shook his head, smiling at his oldest living relative with a hint of mischief in his eyes.

"No, I daresay old Sméagol has never set a foot in Rivendell before," he said. "He's not a very big fan of Elves, you see."

As if to prove Merry's point, the withered old creature they called Sméagol promptly let out another hiss and began grappling with the collar of his tunic.

"Ssss... stinking, nancing elveses... can't make anything that doesn't itch at poor Sméagol, no they can't..." he muttered darkly, scratching furiously at his nearly transluscent skin.

Bilbo was silent for a moment, frowning as if deep in thought. Eventually he shook his head.

"Really? Well, that's a shame," Bilbo said. "Elves are quite wonderful folk. Excellent taste in wine, and they write some of the loveliest poetry."

Sméagol's ears perked up, and he looked at Bilbo with a curious expression.

"_Wine_, precious?"

Half an hour later, Sméagol's opinion on Elves had done a complete one-eighty, and he voted them all a capital lot, if only for their exquisite taste in wine.

* * *

A/N: A part of me has long wondered what would happen if Gollum actually survived the War of the Ring and got (at least partially) rehabilitated. So I decided to write this thing.

**Updated:** 6-17-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


	2. Fish and Chips

**Rehobbilitation**

A _Lord of the Rings_ fanfic

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Merry stared perplexedly at the wretched little thing skulking about in the corner of the tent. He could scarcely believe what Frodo had told him, and what Gandalf had seconded with a nod and a laugh.

"Looks more like some kind of goblin, to me," Pippin whispered, sitting beside Meriadoc. "Don't you think so, Merry?"

"Yes, or some manner of stretched-out tree frog," agreed Meriadoc Brandybuck. "Maybe some kind of four-legged spider."

"Right," concurred Pippin. "Or an old, bald jackanape. You know, one of those 'monkey' things Strider told us about."

"Seems possible," Merry said with a nod. "If perhaps not _likely_."

"It seems likelier than what Frodo says," Pippin replied.

"Well, yes. Of course," Merry said. "There's no way that Gollum creature could possibly be a _hobbit_, let alone a Stoor. Not even a trace of fuzz on his feet, and he's far too skinny."

"And he certainly isn't a Fallohide, or a Harfoot" Pippin agreed. "They were all settled down in Bree-land and the Shire by the time he would've gotten the Ring."

"Right." Merry nodded. "So we're agreed. He couldn't possibly be a hobbit."

"Couldn't have said it better myself, Merry!" Pippin grinned. "No self-respecting hobbit would ever turn down Sam's coney stew."

"I hear he even said no to fish and chips," Merry added, shaking his head.

Pippin mimed shock.

"No!" he said.

"Yes," said Merry. "I heard it straight from Sam himself."

"Then he is _definitely_ not a hobbit," Pippin said. "Saying no to fish and chips? That just isn't natural."

"I almost feel sorry for the poor thing," said Merry. "He'll only eat meat if it's raw, and he won't even TOUCH cheese or butter."

"He wouldn't eat any of the Lembas bread, either, Sam told me," added Pippin.

"Well, now that would be because it's elven, right?" Merry replied. "Elf-food is like poison to him."

"I can't entirely fault him for that, though," conceded Pippin. "Lembas is fine for walking, but when all is said and done I think I much prefer good old hobbit fare."

"Agreed," said Merry, giving a short nod. And so the two continued their conversation well into the night, soon forgetting their original topic as they drifted into a spirited debate on the merits of sausage versus bacon, and whether eggs tasted best scrambled or sunny-side up.

Neither of them noticed the half-eaten apple in Sméagol's hand, or the breadcrumbs on his shirt.

* * *

A/N: Not much to say about this one.

**Updated:** 6-17-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


	3. Cousins

**Rehobbilitation**

A _Lord of the Rings_ fanfic

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

"I still don't see why we have to introduce him as MY cousin," whined Meriadoc Brandybuck, Squire of Rohan, Companion of the Ring-bearer, co-Slayer of the Witch-king, and doubtless several other titles besides, in a manner most unbefitting a full grown hobbit.

Sméagol stuck his tongue out at Merry, sheltering himself under a parasol as he rode along behind Samwise. He was dressed in ratty hand-me-downs of Frodo's that fit his emaciated frame only loosely, his large lamplike eyes glinting out from under the shade of his umbrella.

Gandalf, riding at the head of the group alongside Frodo, spoke without even bothering to turn his head.

"As I have said several times before, Master Meriadoc, Sméagol is a hobbit of old Stoorish stock. He possesses many of the peculiarities of that breed and culture which set him apart from any Harfoot or Fallohide," the wizard explained wearily, likely having had to say things of this sort many times before. "For example, a fondness of water, and some skill with fishing and boat-craft."

Sam nodded gravely from the back of his pony.

"Right," he said. "No sensible Hobbiton folk would be caught dead messing around on the river, or in boats — no offense, Mister Merry!"

"None taken," Merry muttered, giving Sam a look that strongly suggested otherwise. "But I still don't see why it has to be _me_."

Frodo sighed.

"Well, I can't very well try to pass him off as a Baggins," said the Ring-bearer himself, looking over his shoulder at Merry. "Lobelia would see right through it, and I reckon Lotho would take it personally. You know how the Sackville-Bagginses are."

"And I doubt he'd pass very well for a Took, either," added Pippin. "He'd be sniffed out as an impostor quicker than a Bolger trying to pass for a Proudfoot."

Merry winced, and Sam and Frodo nodded gravely. This statement clearly made perfect sense to them.

"It is advisable that you stay as close to the truth as possible – but not to the _whole_ truth," Gandalf added, this time actually looking back at Merry. He squinted his eyes. "For a number of reasons."

Sméagol averted his gaze from Gandalf.

"We doesn't wants to be a stupid Brandybuck anyways, no we doesn't..." he muttered to himself. "Sméagol is Sméagol."

Merry glowered at this.

"And what's wrong with being a Brandybuck?" he demanded.

Sam was quick with his response.

"Well they are a little queer," he said, "those folk over in Buckland. Even you can't deny that, Mister Merry."

"I can, and I _will_," Merry sniffed. "Brandybucks are perfectly respectable folk. It's you Hobbiton dandies who have your heads on backwards. You're afraid to even go in a boat!"

Pippin laughed.

"At least old Bilbo had plenty of Took in him," he said. "Otherwise he never would have taken one step out the door."

Sméagol twitched a little bit at this. His expression was just a touch mulish.

"Too much Took, we thinks," he murmured peevishly, his voice low and raspy from long years of ill-use. He lowered his parasol a little bit, shielding his eyes from the Yellow Face.

Pippin's face faintly reddened.

"And just what is _that_ supposed to mean?" he demanded a hint shrilly.

Sam weakly chuckled at this, and Frodo laughed cheerily. Merry guffawed, and gave Sméagol a slap on the shoulder.

This, of course, caused the skittish old thing to shriek and flail wildly, swinging his parasol in reflexive terror. It struck the flank of his and Sam's pony, spooking it quite thoroughly in combination with Sméagol's cry, and the chestnut pack animal reared up with a sharp whinny.

And this, in turn, frightened the other ponies, and as quick as that they bolted, their riders still hanging on for dear life.

It would take Gandalf and Shadowfax the better part of an hour to round them all up.

* * *

A/N: Thanks to the two people who have reviewed this, so far! :D

I am really amused by the idea of Sméagol with a parasol, for some reason. (Also, these chapters aren't necessarily in chronological order)

**Updated:** 6-21-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


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